An American girl in Booshland (A tale of knicknacks, nutters & Shaman)
by Mystic Vampyre
Summary: When an American girl visiting a relative in Dalston walks into the Nabootique she meets the boosh boys and hilarity ensues. The Hitcher is on the loose, the shaman are acting up, Saboo falls in love and Naboo must take on anther boarder in teh flat because Howard is scaring away business. Lots of you favorite Boosh characters will be making apperiances Naboo/oc/Saboo
1. Knicknacks and meetings

Disclaimer: Do not own the Might Boosh or any characters therein. Credit for that belongs to Julian Barratt& Noel Fielding.

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Chapter 1: Knicknacks, Electro boy and a man with the tiny eyes of a shrew.

Vince sat reading the latest issue of Cheekbone, the leg of his mirrorball suit dangling over the edge of the red barber chair in the front of the shop. Just then the tinkling sound of bells made him look up from his magazine as the door to the shop opened and in walked Howard wearing yellow rubber gloves holding a bucket and slammed the door behind him.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I spent the last three hours scrubbing that filth off the shutters."

Vince let out a small laugh. "What did they write now?"

"Howard Moon bums foxes for money."

"What?"

"Well I don't do it now, do I Vince."

"What about Jack Hooper?"

"That was a rumor!"

"Well maybe people would believe you more if you didn't have the tiny eyes of a shrew."

"My eyes are not tiny, they are proportional to my face sir.

"As if, they look like someone plucked them from a suicidal crab and popped them into your eye holes. Even when your doing nothing you look like your up to some shady fox bumming business." Just thenNaboo and Bollo came down the stairs from the flat above.

"Oi, where are you two off to." Vince said as he walked behind teh counter and leaned on it.

"Shaman business. While we're gone try not to burn down the shop, yeah."

"Bollo got a bad feeling about dis."

"While were gone your in charge Vince."

"VINCE!? Why is he in charge?"

"He's a great shopkeeper." Naboo replied.

"He's a borderline simpleton, look he's over there playing with a toy car." In the corner Vince was behind the counter playing with a toy car, driving it up and down a ramp he made from a stack of books making a vroom sound before crashing it into a Godzilla doll he had in his other hand.

"Yeah, but he'll sell that car by the end of the day." Naboo said motioning over to Vince. "Look at him, he's got charm, charisma. . ."

"Yeah so do I."

"Big eyes drawing people in." Naboo continued. "Your a big man with tiny eyes, that's a creepy combo. Yeah, and Howard if you're going to advertise your kinky business could you not do it on the front of the shop."

"Yeah, that's not me is it. That's graffiti."

"No smoke wif out fire." Bollo added as he and Naboo headed out the door.

"What about smoke machines?" Howard yelled after them.

Bollo popped his head back in through the door. "Dry Ice."

Vince laughed and went back to playing with his toy car. Howard sulked and pouted as he walked to the back of the shop to put away his bucket and gloves. Vince was making a putt putt sound doing an imitation of a helicopter while playing with a paper airplane. He suddenly began talking in a funny voice.

"Basil Longshoot here, traffic along the B43 is backed up due to a 5 car pile up due to a rather large green lizard blocking the road."Suddenly Vince let out a loud, screeching roar as he hopped the Godzilla doll along the counter top.

"Oh no here it is now! It's attacking the plane. Oh, the green scaly horror! Oh, the agony. Oh, I think I wet meself!"

Just then the bells on the shop door tinkled causing him to look up. In the front door walked a short brunette woman. She began to walk about the shop looking at at all the knickknacks and curios. She stopped near one of the racks that stood in the corner with random clothes hanging from it. Howard returned from the back and noticed the girl looking through the clothes. He made his way over determined to make a sale and prove Naboo wrong.

"Hey where ya from? Can I interest you in some elbow patches? Perhaps one in an angry fawn or perhaps one in an aggressive nutmeg?"He said . She looked up from the rack a bit confused and raised an eyebrow.

"Um. . ."

"Howard, what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make a sale Vince."

"That's okay. I'm just looking right now." The girl said as she walked over to a shelf and picked up a small statue from the shelf.

"Make a sale? Your scaring the poor girl." Vince said as he walked out from behind the counter.

The girl watched as the two bickered back and forth. "Easy boys. I like your necklace. Where'd ya get it?"

"Top shop."

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. I'm not sure where that is."

"Well ya see you go down the street and make a right. . ."

"She doesn't mean that Vince. She's not from here. Listen to her accent." Howard said smacking him in the arm.

She laughed. "I'm Jade by the way. I just came here from America."

"All right. I'm Vince and this is Howard."

"Aww, it's so nice you let your dad work here." Vince laughed as Howard frowned. He sneered and mimicked Vince's laughing.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm not his dad, we're the same age."

"Right.. . . any how, how much for this?" She held out a small strange looking statue in her hand.

"Five euro." Howard replied.

"And this?" She asked pulling a shirt from the rack of clothes.

"You wouldn't want that shirt. It wouldn't suit you?" Howard said as he rifled through the rack. "May I suggest this one." He pulled out a rather ugly Hawaiian type shirt with trumpets. She wrinkled her nose and Vince looked on horrified.

"What would she want with THAT rag?! She needs something with a little more flash, a little more style. Here try this love." Vince pulled out a brightly colored sequins shirt held it up in front of her and took a step back to see how it looked.

"It's amazing . . . but a bit to flash for me personally. How bout this one?" Jade said pulling an old Rolling Stones concert t-shirt from the rack that had a bit of red rhinestones bedazzling the logo.

"A bit retro. Genius. Why didn't I think of that? Oh try this." Vince said fishing out a pair of pants and a jacket shoving them in her arm.

"Um is there a changing room?"

"Try in the back, there's a small empty room with a curtain." Minutes later Jade came out from the back walking in between Howard and Vince giving a little turn.

"Brilliant!"

"Then I'll take 'em. Just let me change back into my other clothes." Jade emerged a few minutes later and placed her clothes on the counter. "Oh I almost forgot." She ran over to the shelf and picked up the little figure from the shelf. "This too." Vince bagged up the stuff and gave it to her.

"Thanks."

Vince and Howard waved as she walked out of the shop. When she walked through the door Naboo walked in. Jade gave the tiny shaman a friendly hello and was on her merry way. Vince went bachk to his spot near the window and picked up reading his magazine where he left off. Naboo walked over to a shelf in the corner of the shop.

"Where's the statue that was here?"

"Which one?"

"The one that looked like an abstract Brian Ferry."

Vince and Howard looked at each other.

"Bollo got a bad feeling bouut dis." He said looking at Naboo.

"We sold it." Howard replied.

"We sold it . . . get stuffed. I sold it!"

"That was a Xooberonian lock charm. It keeps the most dangerous criminal locked up inside. Who did you sell it to?"

"The girl that just walked out the door a few minutes ago."

"We need to get it back. She is in grave danger if she figures out how to unlock the charm."

* * *

So this is my first attempt at a Boosh Fiction. Any Reviews/ critisisms are welcome.


	2. Relations, rainstorms and the crunch

Disclaimer don't own Anything Boosh related.

Thanks to Flowerchild1987 and PsychedelicFox for the review and pointing out the spelling and grammar errors. Fixed my software so hopefully I won't have anymore of those.

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Chapter two – Relations, rainstorms and the crunch.

* * *

"Oh, how could you two sell that?"

"You said you wanted us to sell stuff."

"Yeah, but not from a shelf clearly marked do not sell anything from this shelf!" Naboo said motioning to a sign hanging from the shelf. "Do you two know where she was heading?"

"No we only got her name."

"Great." Naboo said sarcastically. "You two, close up shop and see if you can find her, Bollo and I will go talk to the board of Shaman." They were off in a flash. Howard went left down the street as Vince went right as Naboo and Bollo hopped on his magic carpet.

Meanwhile Jade had found her way to a building somewhere downtown. Looking up she saw big, bright neon orange sign with pink letters. The Velvet onion. She looked down at a piece of paper in her hand.

"This looks like the place." Jade walked in looking around the club. There was a small crowd standing around watching the band on stage. She noticed a door with a sign that read manager, keep out, I hate whites! She walked over and knocked on the door. When she didn't hear an answer she opened the door and walked in. Inside was a small office with indigo walls. There standing behind the desk was a pudgy man all in denim his shirt too tight some of the buttons looked as if they were going to burst. To top it all off he was dancing to I shot the sheriff playing on the radio.

He wiggled around shaking his butt as the song played before he started reaching up and mimed plucking things out of the air and shoving the invisible objects into his mouth. Jade stood there watching the scene unfold before her with a look of confusion on her face. The man continued his dance by turning sideways, grabbing his head and pushing it up and down. He turned the other way and repeated the process. Suddenly he jumped and faced forward letting out a loud, ear-splitting screech. Jade walked over to the desk, leaned over and shut the radio. That's when the man picked up the phone and said "and that's why I didn't shoot the deputy."

"Hello Bob."

"Who are you?"

Jade shook her head and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I swear I think you were adopted. I'm you cousin ya dope."

"I don't have a cousin."

"I'm your aunt's kid."

"Aunt? Aren't those the picnic stealer with all the legs?"

"NO, those are ants the insect. I mean aunt the lady that is your moms sister."

"Oh, so what brings you here?"

"I'm moving here and my mom said you would help me find a place. Living in a hotel isn't fun or cheap. I need a place that I can afford."

"Do I look like I'm running a charity house for wayward animals here. I'm not helping you find nothing, you got that! Look at you your so tiny I can rest my drink on your head!"

"So you're not going to help me?" She asked with a sigh. "Fine, can I at least use your phone?"

"Go ahead."

Jade picked up the phone and began dialing a number. She waited a few minutes before talking. "Hello. Auntie Fossil?" Bob looked up in shock and began chasing Jade around the desk trying to take the phone from her. "Yeah I have some one here that want's to talk with you." She said before Bob took the phone from her hands.

He covered it up and whispered. "What's wrong with you? My mom thinks I'm in a POW camp in Nam."

"Are you going to help me, or am I going to find a payphone and tel auntie that her little Bobby Bob Bob is lying."

"You wouldn't!"

"I got a pocket full of loose change that says I can!" She jingled her jeans pocket letting him hear the change.

"All right I'll help you." He moved his hand from the phone and began talking gibberish into it trying to make it sound Vietnamese "Oi hing don chin bong Di." he then started speaking English. "Hi mom. . .yeah it's Bobby Bob Bob. . . No the war is still going. Did you get the package I sent you? Yes I know it was just a box of twigs and leaves covered in my own crap but there isn't much to work with here."

He then lapsed back into the fake Vietnamese "Hoy ring dong bok choy." then as if that wasn't bad enough he began imitating a machine gun yelling rat ta tat tat tat into the phone and whistling into the phone and making a boom sound. "Mom, mom I got to go I'm surrounded." Again he made the rat ta tat noise before hanging up the phone.

"You drive a hard bargain brat!"

* * *

Meanwhile

* * *

Naboo and Bollo flew through the sky on their way to meet with the board of Shaman. "Bollo. I'm having a panic attack. You don't think that the girl will figure out how to unlock the box do you?"

"Here drink dis." Bollo said handing Naboo a can of something. "Don't worry, Bollo drive da carpet."

Bollo steered the carpet over the trees as they got closer to the secrete meeting place in the forest where the Board of Shaman would meet.

Back in Dalston Vince combed the streets looking high and low for Jade but came up empty-handed. He walked past a shop and peeked in the window. His eyes lit up when he saw what was on display in the window. Quick as a flash he was through the door and in the shop.

Howard walked the streets calling for Jade. No reply came. He walked down an alley taking a short cut to the town square when he heard a familiar voice greet him.

"Helloooooooooooooooooooooo."

Howard flinched before turning. "Hello."

"I've missed my big strong love muffin." Eleanor said moving closer to Howard causing him to back up against the alley wall. "Come on love monkey, you like what you see don't you?"

"I'm not quite sure what it is that I am seeing."

"Hush hush Little Spaceman and come to momma!" She went to grab Howard and somehow he managed to duck out-of-the-way at the last second.

"Nooooooooooooooo!" He shouted as he took off down the alley.

"Come back my little love dumpling. I'm a woman in the prime of her life. Momma needs love squeezins!" She shouted as she followed Howard down the alley.

* * *

Naboo and Bollo finally landed the carpet and now stood before the Shaman council. It was Dennis who finally spoke up.

"What have you called this sudden meeting Naboo?"

"Well you see, there was an item in my shop that my roommates inadvertently sold. . ."

"An item? What item?" Saboo asked.

"I had a Xooberonian lock charm on a shelf marked do not sell and they sold it."

"Was there anything locked in it?"

"Yes."

"Naboo, this is a serious matter. If such a dangerous being was to get out chaos would ensue." Naboo looked at Dennis with a no shit Sherlock look on his face. "Has it been unlocked?"

" Not that we know of. I have the two that sold it looking for the girl now."

"Time and time again you come before us with these Jackanory stories. This time justice must be swift and severe!"

"Fortunately Saboo no harm has been done. The locket can only be opened by sliding the pieces into the right order under a full moon. Which is a complex process that a civilian would have no way of knowing." Dennis informed him.

"Oh, I'm Naboo, nothings ever my fault." Saboo mocked.

"What's it got to do with you?" Naboo said with a look of disdain on his face.

"It's got everything to do with me, and more to boot."

"Oh, and your perfect."

"I'm pretty good."

"Enough, until said time as the object and girl are found I will send out a few of you to help locate the object. Saboo you shall go. . ."

"Fine I'll take Kirk with me."

"You will not go with Kirk. Kirk is a loose cannon."

"Of course he is. I trained him."

"Kirk is a violent sexually deranged being from the fourth dimension."

"Kirk, is it true your still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind?"

Kirk looked over at Saboo and nodded. "Yes."

"Is there no one else I can go with. I don't want to spend my time with this pink cleft."

"Listen here sunshine. No one here is more qualified for this kind of activity than me. I can slot in with anywhere easily. I blend in like a ninja."

"A ninja? You're a pink alien with tentacles whose head is shaped like a bum."

Naboo and Bollo just looked at each other as the shaman argued back and forth. They shook their heads before Naboo elbowed his familiar and motioned to the carpet. The two made their way over, hopped on the carpet and headed home.

* * *

Vince in the mean time emerged from the shop wearing a poncho and large sombrero just as it began to start to down pour. He frowned and decided to head back to the shop. He made his way through the streets walking past a couple walking along the opposite side of the street. They seemed to be arguing about something.

Across the street Jade and Bob Fossil were flat hunting. Well actually it was more like Jade was flat hunting Fossil was whining.

"It's wet. How much longer? Can we take a break?"

"Shut it, or I'll call your mother again and tell her you broke your promise."

"I didn't forget the promise. I'm like the gray leg face man."

"The what?"

"You know the gray leg face man. He has four legs and another one attached to his face." He said placing his arm in front of his face to demonstrate something hanging.

"Uh, do you mean an elephant?"

"Wait say that again." He said pulling a recorder from his pocket and holding it up to her.

"Elephant." She sighed and threw her hands in the air. "I give up. I'm soaked through, and your whining is bugging me. I'm going back to the hotel."

* * *

At the Nabootique Bollo and Naboo were sitting behind the counter smoking a hookah. Vince was checking himself out in the mirror turning this way and that making the edges of his poncho flair out. Suddenly the door burst open and in walked Howard with a look of horror on his face. He stood there in a state of shock his face covered in lipstick marks and his hair messed and hat askew.

"What happened to you?" Vince said looking Howard over.

"It was terrible. . . horrible. . ."

From outside the shop Eleanor could be heard shouting. "Where are you my little love monkey? I know your hiding, when I find you I'm going to pound you like yesterdays beef!"

Howard made a beeline for the stairs running as fast as his legs would take him. Down below Vince Naboo and Bollo could hear him run across the floor and a door slam shut and the sound of several locks being locked. Then they heard the sound of something heavy like a dresser being pushed across the floor. Vince chuckled and Naboo and Bollo shook their heads. They were too stoned to care.

Eleanor popped her head into the open doorway just as Vince was about to shut it.

"Helloooooooooooooooooo. Has anyone seen my love muffin?"

"Yeah you just missed him. . . he went that way and ducked down the alley." Vince said pointing down the street. "If you hurry you can catch him."

Eleanor turned and walked out the door. "Hold on my little love muffin, momma's coming!"

Vince closed the door leaning against it laughing hysterically. After a few minutes he walked over to the stairs and yelled up.

"You can come down now love muffin!" with that they all heard the dresser being moved from the door then the locks unlock and finally the door open. Minutes later Howard popped his head in from the stairs when he saw it was safe he walked back into the shop.

"Did anyone find the girl?"

"Nope." Vince said shaking his head whacking Howard with the sombrero. "Apparently lover boy here didn't either. He did make some money." Vince reached in Howard's back pocket and produced a wad of bills. Howard blushed.

"It's not how it looks."

"Well we'll start again tomorrow. We have to find her before Saboo does or I'll never hear the end of it from that condescending twat."


	3. Three Shaman and a Little Lady

Don't own the Boosh.

Chapter 3 : Three Shaman and a Little Lady. . .plus some other things.

* * *

It had been three weeks since Jade had visited the little shop with the strange keepers. She loved the clothes and knickknacks she had picked up, especially the strange statue that looked like a Picasso version of Bryan Ferry. She picked it up off the dresser and examined it turning it round in her hands.

"Cute." She said placing it back on the dresser and got up to get dressed.

She still had a flat to find, though she dreaded the idea of bringing her cousin along. That was going to be a chore. What Jade didn't notice is that after she had placed the statue on the dresser a piece slowly began to move and shift into another position.

Jade returned minutes later grabbed her jacket from off the back of the chair once the door closed behind her the statue began to glow a light shade of green.

* * *

"All right Naboo." Vince said looking up from his copy of Dazed and Confused. "What's that?" He asked as Naboo put a sign in the front shop window.

"I'm going to rent the spare room upstairs."

"The spare room upstairs? But that's my Jazzersize room." Howard complained ignoring what he had been doing in stationary village.

"Not anymore. It's because of you we need to rent the room. Your scaring away the customers with your tiny eyes and the adverts on the shutters."

"Adverts on the shutters?" Vince smiled and went back to reading his magazine." "What advert?" Howard continued.

"See for yourself." Naboo said pointing a thumb at the front door.

Howard walked outside and pulled down the shutter of the shop. A look of horror and shock came across his face. The shutter read Howard Moon male prostitute. Will expose himself for 50 euro, love you long time for 100 enquirer within. He threw up the shutter, walked back in the shop and went to the back of the shop straight away.

"Where are you off to?"

"To get the bucket Vince." Howard sighed as he walked into the back.

* * *

At the Velvet Onion Bob Fossil was in his office yelling at a pair of men that looked oddly like cavemen.

"What's wrong with you people? Throwing your poop at the audience is not a musical act. You stink! Your

terrible!"

The men stared at him for a second before one of them took a stick and tapped it on the floor and responded. "Topshop."

"You two numb nuts better come up with another act or your out of here. Your big time losers with a humpity hump. That's right. I said it. And if ya don't like it. GO EAT A NUN SANDWICH!"

"Topshop!"

"Don't Topshop me. I've been to Nam. Have you been in Nam? Of course you haven't. Cuz your in here and your not out there in the bush with the Charlie is creeping around on his belly waiting to shoot you in the rump with a bazooka until you scream MOOOOOOOOMY!" Jade waled into the office at this point and stood there watching the whole exchange.

Well at least he isn't dancing she thought to herself. "Now I want the two of you to get out of here and straighten up and fly right or your out of here!"

The two men walked out of the office not before one turned and flung something brown at Bob's head. It hit with a splat.

The room began to smell suddenly. Jade looked at Bob and sniffed the air. "Oh god. Please tell me that's not what I think it is." Bob wiped his eyes causing the brown mess to spatter on the floor and desk.

"I am not going out in public with you looking and smelling like that. "

* * *

Meanwhile

* * *

The sun was just dipping down on the horizon as the board of shaman were strategizing about how to go and find Jade and the statue.

"Have we located the Xooberonian lock charm?" Denise asked looking around.

"No, not yet. I will go and retrieve the charm this time."

"Good. I shall send you with Tony again."

"What? Come on." Saboo complained.

"What's your beef?" Tony said turning to face Saboo.

"He has no legs. He can't walk."

"How dare you. I come fully equipped with a papoose. If you need to move me around I slot in the back like a peanut. If you're against the papoose idea I have a wheel that clicks into my chin like a skate."

"What are you a kit?" Saboo piped in, in a rather annoyed tone before turning his attention back to Denise. "Do I have to assemble this kinder egg and take him with me?"

"This is my decision and it shall stand. Now go." Denise commanded.

The sun was gone by the time Saboo and Tony flew along. The moon shown bright in the sky lighting up the city below. The moon turned around and looked over the town.

"Jupiter is always waxing lyrical, he loves the sound of his own voice. He told a story the other day about a boy with no face, it went on for ages, it was awful!Saturn was sick on his own rings. Pluto was nonplussed, he told me that when Jupiter starts talking he mentally switches off!" Pausing, he looked around a bit before he continued to speak. " The full moon, the main moon, the chalky white ball bag hanging in the sky like a screwed up letter from a pedophile!I'm the moon!"

* * *

"Oh now you've don it you cleft. You've went and got us lost. You've got one job. One job Tony and that's to read the map"

"Me? I'm a master. My navigational skills are second to none. It's just that you've put the map too far away from me."

"You are a disgrace Tony."

"Actually, I feel a bit sick. I do suffer from motion sickness."

"Oh really, do you? If you can't even handle a little carpet, what are you going to do when we come to the crunch?"

"Oh my word! Are we back to the crunch? Here we go. The crunch this, the crunch that! Why are you so obsessed with the crunch?"

"You want to know about the crunch?"

"Yeah."

"Cuz you are about to meet the crunch a little sooner than me my friend!" Saboo swung his arm out and knocked Tony off the carpet. Tony began plummeting down to the town below.

"This is an outrage! Saboo you slag!"

* * *

Jade sighed as she walked the streets. She still hadn't found a place. They were too pricey, to dirty,too old, or she would need roommates and the ones that lived there were crazy. As she walked along she heard a faint sound coming from somewhere close by. Looking around she didn't notice anything so she shrugged and continued walking.

She decided to go and visit the Nabootique. She was a few feet from the front door when she heard the noise again. This time it was a bit louder and it sounded like it was getting closer. Looking to her left and right she didn't notice anything. That's when she look up and noticed a pink object falling from the sky.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. . . AN OUTRAGE!"

Jade reached out and caught the object in her arms. It was Tony. He wiggled round and looked at her. "All right. Who are you love?"

Jade looked down into her arms and let out an ear piercing scream before tossing Tony over her head and running into the store. She slammed the shop door behind her and leaned her back against the door panting as she tried to catch her breath. Everyone in the shop turned to look at her.

"Jade!" Vince shouted from behind the counter.

"Out there. . . pink ball. . . tentacles . . . sky. . ." Jade stammered pointing behind her a the door.

"Whoa there, slow down now." Howard said taking her by the arm and leading her over the big red barber chair.

Vince came over and handed her a cup of water "What happened?"

Jade took a sip before continuing. This time she was able to actually string together a full sentence.

"Outside, I was walking along the street and heard a weird sound. I looked up and saw something pink falling from the sky. I reached out to catch it and whatever it was turned around in my arms and started talking."

"What did it look like?" Vince asked fascinated by her story.

"I. . . I don't know. I only saw it quickly before I tossed it. All I remember was it was pink and had tentacles."

"Tony." Naboo said.

Jade looked up from the chair at the tiny shaman dressed like a genie. "Who's he?" She asked Vince.

"I'm Naboo, that's who."

* * *

At the hotel.

* * *

Bob Fossil stuck his head through the door and looked around. "Hello, cuzy cuz cuz. You here? It's Bob. Don't hit me with a wet noodle.

When he didn't find Jade he began poking around her room. He turned on the television and began flipping through the channels. When he saw nothing was on he threw the remote at the television and climbed up on the bed and began bouncing up and down.

"Bouncey, bouncey, bouncey, bouncey."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw something glowing green. He stopped bouncing and made his way over to the dresser where the statue was. Bob picked it up and walked over to the bed before plopping down on the bed and turning it around.

"Oh, puzzle."

He touched one of the arms of the statue and it moved. The glowing began to turn darker. It went from a pale shade of green to a lime green. The statue shifted again in his hand and Bob dropped it on the floor. At this point another piece shifted followed by another and yet another. Now the statue emitted a dark green light and began to spin. A blinding beam shot up from the statue lighting up the room like a baseball field. Bob covered his eyes. Just as sudden as the light shot up from the statue it was gone.

" Evenin' squire."

"What are you, how can I understand you?!" Bob shouted before he ran screaming from the room.


	4. Love at First Sight & Room for One More

Disclaimer Don't own the Boosh. Only Jade.

Chapter 4 - Love at first sight and room for one more.

* * *

Jade finally calmed down enough and stood up walking around the shop every now and then glancing out the window. "So let me see if I got this right, you know what that thing was?" She asked turning to Naboo.

Just as Naboo was about to answer the door to the shop tinkled and in walked Saboo holding Tony Harrison tucked up under one arm. Jade turned around in Saboo's eyes it was in slow motion her hair fanning out behind her as if someone had a fan turned on her. A tunnel of white light surrounding her as if she were the only person in the room. Birds were singing and somewhere in the distance a voice could be heard very faintly.

"Saboo. . . Saboo. . . oh my word are you high again." Tony tried to get through to him.

"What's wrong with him?" Vince asked waving a hand in front of Saboo's face.

"Saboo. . ." Tony called again before reaching up and slapping him across the face with a tentacle. Saboo shook his head clearing his thoughts. Jade looked at the two.

"That's the thing that I was talking about." She said pointing at Tony before her eyes rolled up in her head and she fell back. Naboo reached out and caught her before she hit the floor.

"Bollo. Bring her upstairs and put her in my room. "

The big ape came over and picked up Jade tossing her over his shoulder before taking off up the stairs. Once up there he brought her down the hall of the flat to Naboo's room. He kicked the door open with his foot and placed her down on the bed amid all the silky sheets and fluffy pillows.

* * *

"Nooooooooooooooo!" Fossil yelled flailing his arms over his head as he ran down the street.

"Oi, get back here. I'm gonna cut you up." Hitcher ran behind trying to catch him. He stopped suddenly. "Oh me backs gone. Get 'im boys!"

"No don't. . . I'll give you anything. Here take my gum, my belly button lint, my wallet, just don't hurt me . . . MOMMY!"

"Hold on a minute boys don't cut up this slag jus' yet." Hitcher said looking through the wallet. "Save that for later." He said shoving some money into his pockets. "What 'ave we here? Who's the bird?'

"Fossil walked over and looked over the Hitcher's shoulder at the photo in the wallet. "Oh she's my cousin. She's new here."

"Tell you what squire, I won't gut you where you stand if you can bring her to me.

"Yeah, okay. I can do that. Just don't hurt me nice green man." Fossil replied stroking the Hitchers arm.

"Touch me again and I'll skin ya boy."

* * *

Jade moaned moving her head from side to side before her eyes fluttered open she could here people talking.

"Shhh, you'll wake her. "

"This is all your fault ya pink cleft."

"I think she's coming round."

. She looked around and panicked for a minute before it hit her. She must have passed out. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Oh my head. . ."

Naboo handed her a glass full of a stranger bluish purple liquid. She took it and knocked it back like she was doing shots.

"Naboo what is that you gave her?" Howard asked.

"It's juice of chameleon mixed with newts eyes and vipers tail."

With that Jade did a spit take and spat the liquid out covering Tony and Saboo.

"Sorry." Jade apologized to Saboo and Tony before looking to Naboo. "Why would you give me something like that?"

"He's a Shaman." Vince pipped up from the other side of the room.

"Oh this will never come out. My dry cleaning bill will enormous. This my friends is an outrage!"

"What cleaning bill ? You don't wear clothes Tony." Saboo said.

* * *

Flash forward a few minutes

* * *

"So let me see if I got this right. Your a shaman." Jade pointed at Naboo. "And the urban cowboy over there is a shaman and the pink thing I tossed like a football is a shaman. . ."

"Thing... I'll have you know I . . ." Tony was silenced with a smack to the back of the head by Saboo.

"You two are normal right? Well except for you with the extremely small eyes." Jade asked pointing to Vince and Howard.

"Where is the stature?" Saboo asked staring like a love sick puppy.

"The one that looks like Bryan Ferry? It's in my hotel room."

"Have you played with it?" Saboo asked.

"Played with it.. . . no you sick perv!"

"I . . I didn't mean like that."

Naboo rolled his eyes and sat on his bed next to Jade. "Let me explain. The statue isn't a statue really. It holds a great evil. It's kind of like a mini cosmical jail. When the pieces move it will unlock and open."

"Well I don't know about opening but I thought it was glowing faintly when I came out of the shower."

"Where is it now?"

"Still at my hotel."

"Tea's here." Bollo said walking into the room with a tray full of tea and treats.

Jade shook her head and rubbed her eyes again. "I'm sorry did that ape just talk?"

"That's Bollo he's my familiar."

"Oh you are so not in Kansas anymore Dorothy." Jade mumbled to herself.

Bollo set down the tea tray on the edge of the bed between Jade and the others. Saboo grabbed a cup and poured some tea. "Here take this."

"There's nothing weird in it is there?"

"No just tea." Naboo replied before pouring his own cup. "Thanks." Jade said before taking a sip.

"I have to ask what happens if it opens? It's not good is it?"

"Not a chance sunshine." Tony replied from his spot on the dresser.

"If you want we can go get it. It's not far from here."

Everyone walked through the flat and headed downstairs to the shop. Jade and Naboo were two of the last ones out of the bedroom. She looked around at the flat as they went. "This place is wicked. I wish I had a place like this."

"I have an extra room if you'd like."

Jade stopped on a dime and turned to face the tiny shaman. "Are you serious?" I've been looking for a place." Suddenly the excitement drained out of her voice and she began to frown.

"What's wrong."

"I wouldn't have a way to pay you. I don't have a job and the money I have is almost all gone."

" You can work in the shop. . ."

Jades eyes lit up again. "I can? Oh Naboo your a prince!" Jade said as she hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. At just that moment Saboo had walked back up the stairs and saw Naboo and Jade in their embrace and let out a small growl under his breath.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: hi guys, just letting you guys know I won't be able to update any stories any time soon. unfortunately my computer crashed and I will have to get it fixed. Till then I will be working on them so once it's fixed I'll have updates ready to type up and post.


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